## The Project Gutenberg eBook of English Society

This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook.

Title: English Society

Author: George Du Maurier

Release date: November 23, 2011 [eBook #38111]

Language: English

Credits: Produced by Judith Wirawan, Chris Curnow and the Online
Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
file was produced from images generously made available
by The Internet Archive)

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ENGLISH SOCIETY ***

# ENGLISH SOCIETY

#### SKETCHED BY

## GEORGE DU MAURIER

#### NEW YORK
HARPER & BROTHERS, PUBLISHERS
1897

##### Copyright, 1886, 1887, 1888, 1889, 1890, 1891, 1892, 1893, 1894, 1895, and 1896, by Harper & Brothers.

##### All rights reserved.

## GEORGE DU MAURIER

I was thinking, with a pang, just before I put my pen to the paper, that the death of George du Maurier must be a fact of stale interest to the reader already, and that it would be staler yet by the time my words reached him. So swiftly does the revolving world carry our sorrow into the sun, our mirth into the shade, that it is as if the speed of the planet had caught something of the impatience of age, and it were hurried round upon its axis with the quickened pulses of senility. But perhaps this is a delusion of ours who dwell in the vicissitude of events, and there are still spots on the earth's whirling surface, lurking-places of quiet, where it seems not to move, and there is time to remember and to regret; where it is no astonishing thing that a king should be a whole month dead, and yet not forgotten. At any rate, it is in the hope, if not quite the faith, of this that I venture some belated lines concerning a man whom we have lost just when he seemed beginning to reveal himself.

### I.

It was my good fortune to have the courage to write to Du Maurier when Trilby was only half printed, and to tell him how much I liked the gay, sad story. In every way it was well that I did not wait for the end, for the last third of it seemed to me so altogether forced in its conclusions that I could not have offered my praises with a whole heart, nor he accepted them with any, if the disgust with its preposterous popularity, which he so frankly, so humorously expressed, had then begun in him. But the liking which its readers felt had not yet become loathsome to the author, and he wrote me back a charming note, promising me the mystery, and enough of it, which I had hoped for, because of my pleasure in the true-dreaming in Peter Ibbetson; and speaking briefly, most modestly and fitly, of his commencing novelist at sixty, and his relative misgivings and surprises.

It was indeed one of the most extraordinary things in the history of literature, and without a parallel, at least to my ignorance. He might have commenced and failed; that would have been infinitely less amazing than his most amazing success; but it was very amazing that he should have commenced at all. It is useless to say that he had commenced long before, and in the literary property of his work he had always been an author. This theory will not justify itself to any critical judgment; one might as well say, if some great novelist distinguished for his sense of color took to painting, that he had always been an artist. The wonder of Du Maurier's essay, the astounding spectacle of his success, cannot be diminished by any such explanation of it. He commenced novelist in Peter Ibbetson, and so far as literature was concerned he succeeded in even greater fulness than he has succeeded since. He had perfect reason to be surprised; he had attempted an experiment, and he had performed a miracle.

As for the nature, or the quality, of his miracle, that is another question. I myself think that in all essentials it was fine. The result was not less gold because there was some dross of the transmuted metals hanging about the precious ingot, and the evidences of the process were present, though the secret was as occult as ever. He won the heart, he kindled the fancy, he bewitched the reason; and no one can say just how he did it. His literary attitude was not altogether new; he perfected an attitude recognizable first in Fielding, next in Sterne, then in Heine, afterwards in Thackeray: the attitude which I once called confidential, and shook three realms beyond seas, and their colonial dependencies here, with the word. It is an attitude which I find swaggering in Fielding, insincere in Sterne, mocking in Heine, and inartistic in Thackeray; but Du Maurier made it lovable. His whole story was a confidence; whatever illusion there was resided in that fact; you had to grant it in the beginning, and he made you grant it gladly. A trick? Yes; but none of your vulgar ones; a species of legerdemain, exquisite as that of the Eastern juggler who plants his ladder on the ground, climbs it, and pulls it up after him into the empty air. It wants seriousness, it wants the last respect for the reader's intelligence, it wants critical justification; it wants whatever is the very greatest thing in the very greatest novelists; the thing that convinces in Hawthorne, George Eliot, Tourguénief, Tolstoy. But short of this supreme truth, it has every grace, every beauty, every charm. It touches, it appeals, it consoles; and it flatters, too; if it turns the head, if it intoxicates, well, it is better to own the fact that it leaves one in not quite the condition for judging it. I made my tacit protest against it after following Trilby, poor soul, to her apotheosis at the hands of the world and the church; but I fell a prey to it again in the first chapters of The Martian, and I expect to continue in that sweet bondage to the end.

### II.

If I venture to say that sentimentality is the dominant of the Du Maurier music, it is because his art has made sentimentality beautiful; I had almost said real, and I am ready to say different from what it was before. It is a very manly sentimentality; we need not be ashamed of sharing it; one should rather be ashamed of disowning its emotions. It is in its sweetness, as well as its manliness, that I find the chief analogy between Du Maurier's literature and his art. In all the long course of his dealing with the life of English society, I can think of but two or three instances of ungentleness. The humor which shone upon every rank, and every variety of character, never abashed the lowly, never insulted women, never betrayed the trust which reposed in its traditions of decency and generosity. If we think of any other caricaturist's art, how bitter it is apt to be, how brutal, how base! The cruelties that often pass for wit, even in the best of our own society satires, never tempted him to their ignoble exploitation; and as for the filthy drolleries of French wit, forever amusing itself with one commandment, how far they all are from him! His pictures are full of the dearest children, lovely young girls, honest young fellows; snobs who are as compassionable as they are despicable, bores who have their reason for being, hypocrites who are not beyond redemption. It is in his tolerance, his final pity of all life, that Du Maurier takes his place with the great talents; and it is in his sympathy for weakness, for the abased and outcast, that he classes himself with the foremost novelists of the age, not one of whom is recreant to the high office of teaching by parable that we may not profitably despise one another. Not even Svengali was beyond the pale of his mercy, and how well within it some other sorts of sinners were, the grief of very respectable people testified.

I will own myself that I like heroes and heroines to be born in wedlock when they conveniently can, and to keep true to it; but if an author wishes to suppose them otherwise I cannot proscribe them except for subsequent misbehavior in his hands. The trouble with Trilby was not that she was what she was imagined, but that finally the world could not imaginably act with regard to her as the author feigned. Such as she are to be forgiven, when they sin no more; not exalted and bowed down to by all manner of elect personages. But I fancy Du Maurier did not mean her to be an example. She had to be done something with, and after all she had suffered, it was not in the heart of poetic justice to deny her a little moriturary triumph.

Du Maurier was not a censor of morals, but of manners, which indeed are or ought to be the flower of morals, but not their root, and his deflections from the straight line in the destiny of his creations must not be too seriously regarded. I take it that the very highest fiction is that which treats itself as fact, and never once allows itself to be otherwise. This is the kind that the reader may well hold to the strictest accountability in all respects. But there is another kind capable of expressing an engaging beauty, and bewitchingly portraying many phases of life, which comes smiling to you or (in vulgar keeping) nudging you, and asking you to a game of make-believe. I do not object to that kind either, but I should not judge it on such high grounds as the other. I think it reached its perfect effect in Du Maurier's hands, and that this novelist, who wrote no fiction till nigh sixty, is the greatest master in that sort who ever lived, and I do not forget either Sterne or Thackeray when I say so.

### III.

When I first spoke, long ago, of the confidential attitude of Thackeray, I said that now we would not endure it. But I was wrong, if I meant that more than the very small number who judge novels critically would be impatient of it. No sooner were those fearful words printed than I began to find, to my vast surprise, that the confidential attitude in Thackeray was what most pleased the greatest number of his readers. This gave me an ill opinion of their taste, but I could not deny the fact; and the obstreperous triumph of Trilby, which was one long confidence, has since contributed to render my defeat overwhelming. Du Maurier's use of the method, as he perfected it, was so charming that I am not sure but I began to be a little in love with it myself, though ordinarily superior to its blandishments. It was all very well to have Thackeray weep upon your neck over the fortunes of his characters, but if he had just been telling you they were puppets, it was not so gratifying; and as for poor Sterne, his sighs were so frankly insincere you could not believe anything he said. But Du Maurier came with another eye for life, with a faith of his own which you could share, and with a spirit which endeared him from the first. He had prodigious novelties in store: true-dreaming, hypnotism, and now (one does not know quite what yet) intelligence from the neighborly little planet Mars. He had the gift of persuading you that all his wonders were true, and his flattering familiarity of manner heightened the effect of his wonders, like that of the prestidigitator, who passes round in his audience, chatting pleasantly, while he pours twenty different liquors out of one magical bottle.

I would not count his beautiful talent at less than its rare worth, and if this figure belittles that, it does him wrong. Not before in our literature has anything more distinct, more individual, made itself felt. I have assumed to trace its descent, from this writer to that; but it was only partly so descended; in what made it surprising and captivating, it was heaven-descended. We shall be the lonelier and the poorer hereafter for the silence which is to be where George du Maurier might have been.

W. D. Howells.

## ENGLISH SOCIETY

POST-PRANDIAL STUDIES

> Fair Hostess (passing the wine).—"I hope you admire this decanter, Admiral?"

> Gallant Admiral.—"Ah! it's not the vessel I am admiring...."

> Fair Hostess.—"I suppose it's the port?"

> Gallant Admiral.—"Oh, no; it's the pilot."

HAMPERED WITH A CONSCIENCE

> Tommy (home from an afternoon party).—"Mamma, darling, I've got a great favor to ask of you.... Please don't ask me how I behaved!"

FELINE AMENITIES

> Old Lady (to fashionable beauty, who has recently married the General).—"And so that white-haired old darling is your husband! What a good-looking couple you must once have been!"

TAKING THE CHANCES

> The General.—"I've brought you a new book, Aunt Emily, by the new French Academician. I'm told it's very good; but I've not read it myself, so I'm not sure it's quite—a—quite correct, you know."

> Aunt Emily.—"My dear boy, I'm ninety-six, and I'll risk it!"

TRIALS OF A PAINTER'S WIFE

> Sir Binks (who always piques himself on saying just the right thing).—"A—what I like so much about the milkmaid, dontcherknow, is that your husband hasn't fallen into the usual mistake of painting a lady dressed up in milkmaid's clothes! She's so unmistakably a milkmaid and nothing else, dontcherknow!"

> The Painter's Wife.—"I'm so glad you think so.... He painted her from me!"

LADIES OF FASHION AND THEIR DOCTORS

> (Scene: The Waiting-Room of a Fashionable Physician.)

> Fair Patient (just ushered in).—"What—you here, Lizzie? Why, ain't you well?"

> Second Ditto.—"Perfectly, thanks! But what's the matter with you, dear?"

> First Ditto.—"Oh, nothing whatever! I'm as right as possible, dearest ...!"

"BONJOUR, SUZON!"

RIVAL SMALL AND EARLIES

MOTHER'S DARLINGS

DAYLIGHT WISDOM

> Elder Sister.—"Oh! he proposed after supper, did he—after dancing with you all night—and you refused him? Quite right! My dear child, never believe in any proposal until the young man calls at eleven in the morning and asks you to be his wife!"

AN UNAPPRECIATED COMPLIMENT

> "Good-night, Miss Maud!"

> "I'm not Miss Maud."

> "Miss Ethel, I mean. Won't you shake hands with me? How ungrateful of you! and just after I've been taking you for your lovely sister, too."

LE MONDE OÙ L'ON S'ENNUIE

> "I see a tent. I wonder what's going on inside? Let's go and see...."

> "What's the good of our going in there?"

> "What's the good of our stopping out here?"

THE TABLES TURNED

> Tired Daughters.—"Don't you think we might go now, mamma? It's three o'clock."

> Festive Mamma.—"Oh, that's not so very late, darlings.... Mayn't I have one more dance?"

A SLEEPY HOLLOW IN THE OLD COUNTRY
(The Common Room at St. Morpheus, Oxbridge.)

> First Tutor (waking up, and languidly helping himself to his modest glass of claret).—"Ah! I like a little sleep after dinner.... It makes one ready for one's wine!"

> Second Tutor.—"Well, I like a little sleep before dinner best!"

> The Master.—"Pooh! Talk to me of the after-breakfast sleep in term-time! That's what I enjoy!!"

TAKING ONE TOO MUCH AT ONE'S WORD

> Hostess.—"Won't you play us something, Mr. Spinks?"

> Musical Amateur (who thinks a good deal of himself, in spite of his modesty).—"Oh, don't ask me—you are all such first-rate performers here—and you play such good music, too."

> Hostess.—"Well, but we like a little variety, you know."

THE ENGLISH TAKE THEIR PLEASURES SADLY

A DAUGHTER OF HETH

> Lionel.—"Oh, I say, Benjamin! how splendid your wife is looking! She pays for dressing, if you like!"

> Benjamin.—"Does she, my boy? I only wish she did!"

A QUESTION OF AGE

> Teddy.—"How old are you, Aunt Milly?"

> Aunt Milly (who owns to 35).—"Oh, Teddy, almost a hundred!"

> Teddy.—"Auntie, I can't believe you! I'd believe you if you'd said fifty!"

BREAKFAST AT BONNEBOUCHE HALL

> "A southerly wind and a cloudy sky proclaim a hunting morning."

BUSINESS

> Sir Bedivere de Vere.—"Oh, I say. How you do chaff! You never take me seriously!"

> American Belle.—"You never asked me!" (No cards.)

DOMESTIC ECONOMY

> Mater.—"Papa, dear, do you know a halfpenny weekly paper called Flipbutts?"

> Pater.—"Never heard of it in my life!"

> Mater.—"Well, it offers ninepence a column for answering questions, and they are so difficult, and we do so want to make a little money! Do leave off your novel and help us a little." (Pater can only write two novels a year, but gets £10,000 for each of them.)

WHAT INDUCED HIM TO MARRY HER?

> He.—"Look! Here comes young Brummell Washington, with his bride. I wonder what on earth induced him to marry her?"

> She.—"Oh, probably somebody bet him he wouldn't!"

A CLAIM TO SOCIAL PRECEDENCE

> Hostess.—"You must give your arm to Miss Malecho, William, and put her on your right, and make yourself as agreeable as you possibly can!"

> Host.—"Why, she's a person of no consequence whatever!"

> Hostess.—"Oh, yes, she is! She's very ill-natured, and tells the most horrid lies about people if they don't pay her the very greatest attention!"

AN INTRODUCTION

> "Auntie, darling, this is my new friend, Georgie Jones. He is nice. And isn't it funny, my birthday is the ninth of January, and his is the tenth, so you see we only just escaped being twins!"

BANJONALITIES
(The Freemasonry of Art.)

> He.—"I beg your pardon—but—er would you be so kind as to give me the 'G'?"

> She.—"Oh, certainly." (Gives it.)

> He.—"Thanks, awfully!" (Bows and proceeds on his way.)

TEUTONIC SATIRE

> Hostess.—"Oh, pray don't leave off, Herr Rosencranz. That was a lovely song you just began!"

> Eminent Barytone.—"Yes, matame, bot it tit not harmonise viz de cheneral gonferzation. It is in B vlat, and you and all your vrents are talking in G. I haf a zong in F and a zong in A sharp, bot I haf no zong in G!"

> Accompanist.—"Ach! Berhaps, to opliche matame, I could dransbose de aggombaniments—ja?"

REASONING FROM INDUCTION

> "Look, Geoffrey! That's Lady Emily Tomlinson. Isn't she pretty?"

> "Yes. And I s'pose that's Lord Emily walking with her!"

THOSE INFELICITOUS SPEECHES

> Professor Boreham.—"What! alone, Mrs. Highflyer? Your husband is not ill, I trust!"

> Mrs. Highflyer (innocently).—"Oh no; but he was afraid he might be, if he came here!"

SOCIAL PERSEVERANCE

> Mrs. Onslow-Pushington.—"What a very singular woman Lady Masham is, Professor! I have called on her every Wednesday this month, and the footman (who knows me perfectly) always said she was out, though Wednesday's her day at home, and there were lots of carriages at the door! She never calls on me—never! And when I bow to her, as I always do, she always looks another way, as she did just now. I must really call again next Wednesday."

THE LAST STRAW!

> "What's the matter, dearest? You look sad...."

> "Oh, everything's going wrong. The children are ill in bed, and nurse has got the influenza, and my husband declares that ruin is staring us in the face, and I've got an unbecoming frock, and altogether I'm thoroughly depressed...."

> (Breaks down.)

JUST IN TIME FOR A CUP OF TEA

FELINE AMENITIES

> The Misses Tiptylte.—"Such fun! We're going to Mrs. Masham's fancy ball as Cinderella's ugly sisters—with false noses, you know!"

> Miss Aquila Sharpe.—"What a capital idea! But why false noses?"

NEIGHBORLY COMPLIMENTS

> "Tell me, Mrs. Jones, who's that young Adonis your married daughter is looking up to so eagerly?"

> "Her husband, Mrs. Snarley!"

> "Dear me, you don't say so! I congratulate you.... Now I understand how you come to have such good-looking grandchildren."

GENTLE TERRORISM

> The Professor.—"Will you give me a kiss, my dear?"

> Effie (an habitually naughty girl).—"Oh, mammie.... I'll be good, I'll be good.... I promise!"

AN UNPLEASANT SOCIAL DUTY

> Hostess.—"Geoffrey, I want you to dance with that little girl!"

> Geoffrey.—"Oh, well, if I must, I must ...!"

STREET DIALECTICS

> Brown (who was all but run over).—"Why didn't you call out sooner, you stupid ass?"

> Cabby.—"I did, sir!"

> Brown.—"Why didn't you call out louder, then?"

> Cabby.—"I did, sir!"

EQUAL TO THE OCCASION

> Mrs. Gushington.—"Oh! oh! what a lovely, lovely picture! So true, so...."

> Our Artist.—"Wait a bit, Mrs. Gushington—it's wrong side up.... Let me put it right first ...!" (Does so.)

> Mrs. Gushington (unabashed).—"Oh! oh! oh! Why, that way it's even more lovely still!"

PRECEDENCE AT BONNEBOUCHE HALL DURING THE HOLIDAYS

> Grandpapa takes the bride in to dinner, and the rest follow anyhow.

HISTRIONIC EGOTISM

> Our Pet Actor (just arrived).—"By Jove—these good people all seem to know me very well—nodding and smiling"—(nods and smiles himself, right and left)—"uncommonly flattering, I'm sure—considering I've never set foot in the town before!"

> Our Pet Artist (his chum).—"I'm afraid it's me they're nodding and smiling at, old man! I come every year, you know—and know every soul in the place!"

A STATELY STAIRCASE WINDS AROUND A LARGE HALL

HOW REPUTATIONS OF DISTINGUISHED AMATEURS ARE SOMETIMES MADE

> Herr Silbermund (the Great Pianist) to Mrs. Tattler.—"Ach, Lady Creichton has for bainting der most remârrgaple chênius. Look at dis! It is eqval to Felasquez!"

> M. Languedor (the Famous Painter) to Miss Gushington.—"Ah! For ze music, Miladi Crétonne has a talent kvite exceptionnel. Listen to zat! It surpass Madame Schumann!"

EOTHEN

> Cook's Tourist (female).—"What's that jagged white line on the horizon, I wonder?"

> Cook's Tourist (male).—"Snow, probably!"

> Cook's Tourist (female).—"Ah! that's much more likely! I heard the captain saying it was Greece!"

THE DANCING MAN OF THE PERIOD

> "Been dancin' at all?"

> "Dancin'? Not I! Catch me dancin' in a house where there ain't a smokin'-room! I'm off, directly!"

UNCONSCIOUS CYNICISM

> She.—"It's such years since we met that perhaps you never heard of my marriage?"

> He.—"No, indeed! Is it—er—recent enough for congratulations?"

UNLUCKY SPEECHES

> She.—"What a disagreeable thing that insomnia must be! Very trying, I think! Do you ever suffer from it, Captain Spinks?"

> He.—"Oh, dear, no. I can sleep anywhere, at any time! Could go off this moment, I assure you ...!"

FIN DE SIÈCLE

> "That's where poor Mrs. Wilkins used to live!"

> "Why 'poor' Mrs. Wilkins?"

> "Well, her husband was killed in that horrid railway accident, don't you remember?"

> "Oh, but that was months ago!"

A CUP OF TEA AND A QUIET CIGARETTE AFTER LUNCH

PRECEDENCE IN VANITY FAIR

> The lady guests go in to dinner with the host and young Sir John and young Sir James and the Hon. Dick Swiveller, while the hostess naturally takes the arm of her nephew, Lord Goslin (just from Eton), so that, as the party is just two ladies short, Dr. Jones, the great historian, and Professor Brown, the famous philologist (whose wives have not been asked), bring up the rear together.

> The Doctor.—"Well, Professor, we may be of less consequence than the rest, but at all events we're the oldest and the most renowned!"

THINGS ONE COULD WISH TO HAVE EXPRESSED OTHERWISE

> Puzzled Hostess.—"I beg your pardon, Lord Bovril, but will you tell me whether I ought to take your arm, or Prince Sulkytoff's, or the Duke's?"

> Lord Bovril (Lord-Lieutenant of the County).—"Well—a—since you ask me, I must tell you that—a—as her Majesty's representative, I am bound to claim the honor! But I hope you won't for a moment suppose that I'm fool enough—a—to care personally one rap about that sort of thing!"

DANCING MEN

ILL-CONSIDERED UTTERANCES

> Well-Preserved Elderly Coquette.—"Ah! Admiral, what a good time we had there, junketing and dancing and flirting! It all seems like yesterday! Do you remember the Carew girls, and your old flame Lucy Masters, and that poor boy Jack Lushington, who was so desperately in love with me?"

> The Admiral.—"Indeed I do, dear Lady Maria! And to think of their all dying ... years ago!... And of old age, too!"

AN EQUIVOCAL COMPLIMENT

> Lady Prattler (a confirmed first-nighter, to actor-manager).—"I congratulate you on your success last night, Mr. McStamp!... How good you were! It was all charmin'—so light, so bright, so well put on the stage!... And oh! such nice long entr'actes, you know!"

PROFESSIONAL BEAUTIES OF THE PAST

> Housekeeper (showing visitors over historic mansion).—"This is the portrait of Queen Catherine of Medici—sister to the Venus of that name...."

THE GONDOLETTE

A FESTIVE PROCESSION

> Meet of the Four-in-Hand Club, Hyde Park, London.

THE JOYS OF HOSPITALITY

> Jenkins.—"Good heavens! Why, there's that brute Tomkins! The skunk! I wonder you can ask such a man to your house! I hope you haven't put him near me at dinner, because I shall cut him dead."

> Hostess.—"Oh, it's all right. He told me all about you before you came in."

> Jenkins.—"Did he? What did he say about me, the ruffian?"

> Hostess.—"Oh, nothing much—merely what you've just been saying about him."

TOO KIND BY HALF

> He.—"Oh, I've long given up dancing for my own sake. I only dance now with those unlucky girls that don't get partners. Who's that young lady behind you?"

> She.—"My daughter."

> He.—"Pray, introduce me!"

AN INFELICITOUS SPEECH

> "Why, you're looking better already, Sir Ronald!"

> "Yes, thanks to your delightful hospitality, I've had everything my doctor ordered me: 'Fresh air, good food, agreeable society, and cheerful conversation that involves no strain on the intellect!'"

DISAPPOINTMENTS OF LION-HUNTING

> Guardsman (gazing at the motley throng).—"Any great literary or scientific celebrities here to-night, Lady Circe?"

> Lady Circe (who has taken to hunting Lions).—"No, Sir Charles. The worst of celebrities in these democratic days is that they won't come unless you ask their wives and families, too! So I ask the wives and families, and the wives and families come in their thousands, if you please, and the celebrities stay at home and go to bed."

TWO ON A TOWER

> Jones (a rising young British architect).—"Yes; it's a charming old castle you've bought, Mrs. Prynne, and I heartily congratulate you on being its possessor!"

> Fair California Widow (just settled in the old country).—"Thanks. And now you must find me a legend for it, Mr. Jones!"

> Jones.—"I'm afraid I can't manage that; but I could add a story, if that will do as well!"

AT THE ZOO

> Tommy.—"Why don't they have little shut-up houses? Why do they have open bars?"

> Dorothy (who knows everything).—"Oh! that's for them to see the people, of course!"

NATURE VERSUS ART

> Just as Stodge is about to explain the recondite subtleties of his picture to a select circle of deeply interested and delightfully sympathetic women, his wife comes in with the baby, confound it!

A NEW READING OF A FAMOUS PICTURE

> "Oh, look, grandpapa! Poor things ... they're burying the baby!"

ANTE-POSTHUMOUS JEALOUSY

> "Isn't Emily Firkinson a darling, Reginald?"

> "A—ahem—no doubt. I can't say much for her singing, you know!"

> "Ah! but she's so good and true—a perfect angel! I've known her all my life. I want you to promise me something, Reginald."

> "Certainly, my love!"

> "If I should die young, and you should ever marry again, promise, oh! promise me that it shall be Emily Firkinson!"

DISTINGUISHED PROFESSIONALS

> Hostess (to host, after dinner).—"George, dear, how about asking Signor Robsonio and Signora Smithorelli to sing? They'll be mortally offended if we do, and they'll be mortally offended if we don't!"

SOCIAL AGONIES

> Mrs. Bloker.—"Oh, I'm sorry to disturb you at breakfast, but I wanted to make sure of you. Mr. and Mrs. Dedleigh Boreham are stopping with me for a few days, and I want you to come and dine to-morrow, or, if you are engaged, Wednesday; or Thursday will do, or Friday or Saturday; or any day next week!"

> (Mrs. Brown feebly tries to invent that they have some thoughts of sailing to Honolulu this afternoon, and that they have just lost a relative, but breaks down ignominiously.)

TRUE BLUE

> "But doesn't hearing those brilliant speeches sometimes make you change your mind?"

> "My mind? Oh, often! But my vote, NEVER!!"

NOUS AVONS CHANGÉ TOUT CELA

> The Old Marquis of Carabas.—"What, madam! There's your lovely but penniless daughter positively dying to marry me; and here I am, willing to settle £20,000 a year on her, and give her one of the oldest titles in England, and you refuse your consent!!!! By George, madam, in my young days it wasn't the mothers who objected to men of my sort. It was the daughters themselves!!"

SPEECHES ONE HAS TO LIVE DOWN

> Hostess.—"So sorry to have kept you waiting, Mr. Green."

> Visitor.—"Oh, don't mention it. The anticipation, you know, is always so much brighter than the reality."

TOO CONSIDERATE

> Mrs. Brown.—"Oh, Mrs. Smith, do have that sweet baby of yours brought down to show my husband. He's never seen it."

> Mr. Brown.—"Oh, pray, don't trouble on my account."

THINGS ONE WOULD HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY

> Genial Hostess.—"What, going already, Professor?... And must you take your wife away with you?"

> The Professor (with grave politeness).—"Indeed, madam, I am sorry to say I MUST!"

HAPPY THOUGHT

FLUNKYANA
(A Visit to the Portrait-Gallery of Brabazon Towers.)

> "Pardon me! But you have passed over that picture in the corner. An old Dutch master, I think."

> "Oh, that! 'The Burgermaster' it's called By Rembrank, I b'lieve. It ain't nothing much. Only a work of hart. Not one of the family, you know!"

"OH, DON'T YOU REMEMBER SWEET ALICE, BEN BOLT?"

A WINDOW STUDY

> The Maiden.—"Good-morning, Mr. Jones! How do you like my hyacinths?"

> The Curate.—"Well, they prevent me from seeing you! I should prefer Lower cinths!"

SO ENGLISH, YOU KNOW!

> The Miss Browns (of "a good" Bayswater family) playing "Buffalo Gals," with variations, on two American banjoes and an American parlor-grand.

SOCIAL TARRADIDDLES

> Mrs. Gushington (aside to her husband).—"What a long, tiresome piece of music that was! Who's it by, I wonder?"

> Mr. Gushington.—"Beethoven, my love."

> Mrs. Gushington (to hostess).—"My dear Mrs. Brown, what heavenly music! How in every bar one feels the stamp of the greatest genius the world has ever known!"

LOVE'S LABOR LOST

> "Oh, papa, we've all quite made up our minds never to marry, now we've got this beautiful house and garden!" (Papa has taken this beautiful house and garden solely with the view of tempting eligible young men to come and play lawn-tennis, etc., etc.)

THE MARCH OF PROGRESS

> She.—"After all, there's nothing better than the wing of a chicken! Is there, General?"

> He.—"I never tasted the wing of a chicken. I only know the legs! When I was young, you know, my parents always ate the wings, and now, my children always do!"

AN INFELICITOUS QUESTION

> Æsthetic Youth.—"I hope by degrees to have this room filled with nothing but the most perfectly beautiful things...."

> Simple-Minded Guardsman.—"And what are you going to do with these, then?"

I MUST HAVE THIS TOOTH OUT!

> "I must have this tooth out, it hurts so!"

> "Oh, please don't, or I shall have to wear it, as I do all of your left-off things!"

NEMESIS

> Mrs. Constantia (to old adorer, who has married for money).—"And these are your children, Ronald? Oh!... how like their mother!"

TOO LATE

> He.—"What! You haven't got a dance left?"

> She.—"No. It's past two o'clock! Why didn't you come earlier?"

> He.—"Well, a feller must dine, you know!"

FEMININE PERVERSITY

> She-Gossip (alluding to newly-wedded pair).—"There go 'Beauty and the Beast,' as they are called! She would marry him. Her parents strongly opposed the match, as you may imagine."

> He-Gossip (who flatters himself that he understands the sex).—"By George! The parental opposition must have been strong to make her marry such a ruffian as that!"

CONSOLATION

> De Snookke.—"There goes Mrs. Gatherum! She never asks me to her parties! I suppose I am not swell enough!"

> Sympathetic Lady-Friend.—"Oh, it can't be that! One meets the most rowdy people in London there."

CAPTAIN LELONGBOW

> Captain Lelongbow (a fascinating but most inveterate romancer about his own exploits).—"Who's your favorite hero in fiction, Miss Vera?"

> Miss Vera.—"You are!"

ÆSTHETICS

> Mrs. Van Tromp.—"Oh, Sir Charles! Modern English male attire is too hideous. Just look round ... there are only two decently dressed men in the room!"

> Sir Charles.—"Indeed! And which are they, may I ask?"

> Mrs. Van Tromp.—"Well, I don't know who they are, exactly; but just now one seems to be offering the other a cup of tea."

AN ACCOMMODATION

> Vocalist (to fair Stranger).—"A—I'm going to sing 'Fain would I clasp thee closer, love!' May I look at you while I am singing?"

> Fair Stranger.-"Oh, certainly! Or at my grandmother."

"SVENGALI!... SVENGALI!... SVENGALI!"

### BOOKS WRITTEN AND ILLUSTRATED

#### BY

## GEORGE DU MAURIER

PETER IBBETSON | { | Post 8vo, Cloth, Ornamental Three-Quarter Calf Three-Quarter Levant | $1 50 3 25 4 25
TRILBY | { | Post 8vo, Cloth, Ornamental Three-Quarter Calf Three-Quarter Levant | 1 75 3 50 4 50
THE MARTIAN (Mr. Du Maurier's last work, now running as a serial in "Harper's Magazine," began in the number for October, 1896).
TRILBY SOUVENIR. Photogravures in Portfolio | 8vo | 50
IN BOHEMIA WITH DU MAURIER. By Moscheles | 8vo | 2 50

Published by HARPER & BROTHERS, New York

For sale by all booksellers, or will be mailed by the publishers on receipt of price.

### Transcriber's Notes:

Obvious punctuation errors repaired.

In the Foreword, word "indefinitely" changed to "infinitely" (infinitely less amazing)

Caption for illustration A DAUGHTER OF HETH, name "BENJAMIM" changed to "BENJAMIN"

*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ENGLISH SOCIETY ***
Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will be renamed.
Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG™ concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you charge for an eBook, except by following the terms of the trademark license, including paying royalties for use of the Project Gutenberg trademark. If you do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the trademark license is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and research. Project Gutenberg eBooks may be modified and printed and given away—you may do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks not protected by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the trademark license, especially commercial redistribution.
START: FULL LICENSE

## THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE

PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
To protect the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting the free distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work (or any other work associated in any way with the phrase “Project Gutenberg”), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project Gutenberg™ License available with this file or online at www.gutenberg.org/license.
Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works
1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg™ electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property (trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in your possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
1.B. “Project Gutenberg” is a registered trademark. It may only be used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg™ electronic works even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project Gutenberg™ electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below.
1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation (“the Foundation” or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the United States and you are located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg™ works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg™ name associated with the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg™ License when you share it without charge with others.
1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project Gutenberg™ work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any country other than the United States.
1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg™ License must appear prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg™ work (any work on which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” appears, or with which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, copied or distributed:

> This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook.

1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase “Project Gutenberg” associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg™ trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is posted with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked to the Project Gutenberg™ License for all works posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg™ License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg™.
1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project Gutenberg™ License.
1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg™ work in a format other than “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other format used in the official version posted on the official Project Gutenberg™ website (www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg™ License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg™ works unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing access to or distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works provided that:

- • You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from the use of Project Gutenberg™ works calculated using the method you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, but he has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in Section 4, “Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.”
- • You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg™ License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg™ works.
- • You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of receipt of the work.
- • You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free distribution of Project Gutenberg™ works.

1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the manager of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
1.F.
1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project Gutenberg™ collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg™ electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain “Defects,” such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment.
1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the “Right of Replacement or Refund” described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, and any other party distributing a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGE.
1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further opportunities to fix the problem.
1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you ‘AS-IS’, WITH NO OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone providing copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg™ work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg™ work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg™
Project Gutenberg™ is synonymous with the free distribution of electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from people in all walks of life.
Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg™’s goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg™ collection will remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure and permanent future for Project Gutenberg™ and future generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org.
Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non-profit 501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal Revenue Service. The Foundation’s EIN or federal tax identification number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state’s laws.
The Foundation’s business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the Foundation’s website and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact
Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
Project Gutenberg™ depends upon and cannot survive without widespread public support and donations to carry out its mission of increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed in machine-readable form accessible by the widest array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations ($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt status with the IRS.
The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate.
While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who approach us with offers to donate.
International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
Please check the Project Gutenberg web pages for current donation methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate.
Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg™ electronic works
Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg™ concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project Gutenberg™ eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
Project Gutenberg™ eBooks are often created from several printed editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
Most people start at our website which has the main PG search facility: www.gutenberg.org.
This website includes information about Project Gutenberg™, including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.